The Evasions of Sleep

When we first had Janie I thought any problems in the sleep department would all be related to her not sleeping through the night. I actually slept better back when I would get up in the middle of the night to feed her those first three months for some reason. I have a lot of theories as to why I have a hard time sleeping, but it's hard to pin point just one. I have a hard time relaxing when I go to bed and if I wake up in the middle of the night I have to get up and get a drink or something in order to fall back to sleep. And I always wake up before my alarm clock goes off which is the most frustrating part for me. But oh well.

At least tonight I know what my problem is. I've decided this last week that the hardest part of being a mom is not having mine and I've been dwelling a lot on it tonight. I have had so many questions for her and so many things I would love to be able to share with her ever since the moment we found out we were pregnant and I don't have the opportunity to indulge those desires. It's been really wonderful having friends and relatives to talk to and ask questions, especially since so many of us had babies around the same time. It's just not the same though. I can talk to my friends about them loving their babies as much as I love mine but what I would give to hear my mom talk about loving me the same way when I was her baby. I wonder so often how she accomplished what she did with all of her physical limitations. I get exhausted taking care of Janie some times and I'm 100% healthy. She was crippled, weak, and in constant pain yet she managed. I've had a list of questions a mile long that just keeps getting longer and I'm going to have to wait a long time for those answers.

Fortunately, despite all my struggles with this, I can still find peace in all of it. A couple of days ago my coworker was joking about how he wished he had one of those Jazzy electric scooter thingies and I had told him how my mother who had artificial knees and was on Medicare (since they emphasize that they're covered by Medicare) got turned down. Then the wheels started turning in my head about how if she had one of those scooters she wouldn't have had the accident that eventually led to her passing because she wouldn't have been going down any stairs, etc. Then I started wondering what life would have been like if it never would have happened and she was still alive. After replaying the last 6 1/2 years with those changes, I decided in the end that what happened was for the best for the sake of our family. My dad still would have died from cancer and having cancer wasn't enough for him to make the changes in his life and in himself that he needed before he went. He needed something outside of himself to do that and my mom was the best shot Heavenly Father had for him. After everything else she had already been through in life, she had the inner strength to suffer what she did to provide something for her family that she never got to enjoy and I'm very grateful for her sacrifice and for Heavenly Father finally relieving her of her suffering once she accomplished what He needed her to do.

As a little side story, about 9 years ago I sat down and had a conversation with my dad about how I planned on getting married in the temple and that I wanted him to be there. It really hurt when he told me that I should just plan on him not being there. Thanks to my mom's circumstances, he made it even though she had passed away a year earlier. It wasn't even him who told me he was working on getting his recommend - it was my grandma and I was just in shock because I didn't even know he was going to church. I think he cried almost as much at our sealing as I did, and I think it's because it helped him not only appreciate being married to such a wonderful woman but helped him understand the significance of what he had, and he was looking forward to joining his sweet wife just a few short months after we got married. Her situation also provided the means to mend some strained relationships too.

Another little something special I take comfort in occurred at Janie's baby blessing. A couple of ladies in our ward (they're sisters) I actually grew up with in Kearns. They were a couple of my babysitters, are the same age as my brothers, and knew my mom pretty well. So after Mark blessed Janie we got up and did the normal testimony bearing on Fast Sunday as the proud parents. I did the usual "I love my baby, boo-hoo, boo-hoo" stuff and Mark's was really sweet and loving, and he had mentioned something about how much I had been missing my mom. At the very end, one of my old neighbors comes in from the foyer and walks up and shares about how difficult it was for her to make it to church that day - couldn't find things she needed in the morning and other various problems - but that she really felt like she needed to be there for some reason. She said that as Mark shared the bit about me missing my mom she felt something and needed to share it. So she continued by telling a little bit about my mom and the type of person she was and how much she loved her even as a neighbor. Then she started on how even though I don't feel my mom close to me that she's always there keeping watch over me, that she loves me and is there for me which really hit home. In talking with friends who have also lost family members they've shared experiences where they've been able to recognize the influence of those who have passed in their lives. My family members have had little experiences too but I haven't been able to recognize them in my life so it was really interesting in a lot of ways to hear her say that. I really appreciated it.

So even though I'm glad my mom has graduated from this part of life for many reasons, I sure do miss her. Since I'm still pretty young I wonder how these feelings might evolve over time, or even if they'll evolve at all because they haven't changed much over the last 3 1/2 years (or 6 1/2 years depending on how you look at it). I've been really blessed to have a lot of really good people placed in my life, to have married into a really good family that has adopted me as their own, and to have the gospel in my life to provide the foundation I need to find so much comfort in where my mom and dad have gone.

Now I just need to pull the tissue out of my nose that's preventing "fluid" from running down my face and find a way to sleep so I can get up in less than 5 hours and go to work. Time to find a book I guess.